


Not My Rick, Not Your Morty

by 100percentSnark



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Gen, i dont even know, shamchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5400833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100percentSnark/pseuds/100percentSnark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This... is a shamchat. Cowritten by me, Snark, and the lovely tumblr user eroticshark. Chapter one is the FULL SHAMCHAT NO CENSORSHIP WITH EXCLUSIVE BEHIND THE SCENES AND OBNOXIOUS AUTHOURS' BICKERING OOC JUST FORMATTED FOR AO3 SO IT'S ACTUALLY READABLE. It is glorious. You should read it. Or you can read chapter 2 like a pussy because that's the cut, dialogue-only version. If I feel like torturing myself someday I might format this as an actual fanfiction in, you guessed it, CHAPTER THREE. THAT'S RIGHT MOFOS A FANFICTION WITH THREE CHAPTERs OF MORE OR LESS THE EXACT SAME THING we live in veeeery exciting times ladies and gentlemen and nongendered lurkers, very exciting times. ...enjoy! ...w-wait, what? the plot? YOU WANT THE PLOT OF WHaTEVER THIS IS? MAAA*burp*AAAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN-- ok so morty is being plagued by, uh, ricks who keep shooting the portal gun at him (because that happened to me before this shamchat happened), for shits and giggles or whatever, right? and he keeps running to who he thinks is his rick to warn him about the other ricks. except, you guessed it fuckers it's not this morty's rick either! HOW'S THAT FOR A PLOT. i KNOW, RIGHT?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wild! Uncut! Uncensored! Words that sound like they could be used on a porn DVD!

**Author's Note:**

> you can find my shitposting @ smardalek.tumblr.com. i am morty.  
> and you can find my co/author's @ eroticshark.tumblr.com. they are rick sanchez.  
> (you will come to find i am telling the truth by reading this fanfic.)
> 
> hmm what else  
> don't watch the video link unless u like puking i'm not taking responsibility for that  
> also don't judge me for accidentally saying 'morty' at the end ok it was late i was tired ok I WAS TRYING TO SAY FUCK JERRY BECAUSE FUCK JERRY AMIRITE  
> you'll see what i mean when u get down there
> 
> ok  
> that should do it for notes probably

_** This is a conversation between Rick Sanchez and yourself, Morty. ** _

 

 

**Morty:**  

R-r-r-r-rick!!!!!

 

**Morty:**  

Y-y-y-you gotta h-h-help me!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Hey -*urp*- M-morty. I've been looking for you.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh god. Who'd you k-kill this time.

 

**Morty:**  

Th-there's another you! A-and they're... they're... they're r-r-runnin' around...!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Wow. Big surprise. Was-*urp*- was there a point to this?

 

**Morty:**  

Wh-wh-wh... I mean.. I... I thought you'd be a little more... uh.. concerned...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

H-how do you know I'm not the -*urp*- other me? I mean, i s-seem pretty chill about this.

 

**Morty:**  

Oh. Oh god, you're r-r-right. Quick, uhh, quick ask me... wait no, I have to ask you a q-question only I... I mean only you would know...

 

**Morty:**  

W-w-wait if only you know th-the answer I m-might not know the, uh, the question...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*Cue loud, over exaggerated sigh* M-morty, I know you jacked off in my lab last night. I accidentally cloed you instead of the backup me I was making. Good enough?

 

**Morty:**  

Nnn...

 

**Morty:**  

Y-y-y-y-- Geez Rick I...

 

**Morty:**  

I-I was just...

 

**Morty:**  

W-wait, that w-wasn't last night, I.. I... w-w-w-wasn't...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-you were just what? Fuckin', dicking around just for kicks and giggles? Just to fuck with my shit? Can you explain yourself out of this one? You little -*urp*- little shit?

 

**Morty:**  

N-no! I-I-I-I mean yes! I- I mean, I wasn't touching myself... i-in your lab... l-last night! W-w-we were at blips n chitz, remember?!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

No, MORTY, I don't remember. You know why? BEcause y-*urp*-you're just tryna...

 

**Morty:**  

And- and- and I-I-I'm not saying I was d-d-doin' it at blips n chitz e-e-either I mean we weren't e-even--

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Ha ha.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Little rascal.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Wait, shit, seriously? Shit, I knew that. Just -*urp*- just testin' ya M-m-morty, ya little...

 

**Morty:**  

Oh-oh my g-god Rick, you're such an asshole.

 

**Morty:**  

H-here I was fuh-fuckin' trying to warn you about s-something...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

God, M-*urp*-orty. Keep up. D-don't just... just go along with everything you hear. Don-*urp*-don't be a sheep.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Yeah, I hear you were fuckin'... -*urp*- tryna warn me about something. And y-yet, here we are.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Fuckin' dicking around.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

As usual.

 

**Morty:**  

*sigh*

 

**Morty:**  

I-it probably doesn't matter, anyway, r-right? Y-you already know what's going on?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

I know you're a real piece of SHIT, M-*urp*-morty.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Haha no I'm kidding.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

I didn't even know I was in this dimension.

 

**Morty:**  

Wh...what do you mean, 'this dimension'..?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Cat-*urp*-ch me up, will ya? What's so dang-*urp*-ous about me?

 

**Morty:**  

Y-y-you're...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You know, C-137?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Thought I was headin' to Alpha-549.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

So what's got you so fuckin... fucki-*urp*- excited?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Not like this isn't a... a regular occurance 'round here.

 

**Morty:**  

W-w-well I just saw you, a-and you were yelling about...s-somethin' about 'too many of us'... a-and then you fired the portal gun u-underneath me, b-but it was just into my room, s-so I...

 

**Morty:**  

Uhhh came down t-t-to find you because I-I thought something crazy was going on...?

 

**Morty:**  

B-but when I found you...

 

**Morty:**  

Y-you were-- He was-- I don't know! Stop shooting the p-portal gun at me!

 

**Morty:**  

It-it-it's not funny anymore!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh- oh yeah I just- yea-*urp*-yeah. Sorry, M-m-morty, but I need a few brainwaves to hide me. Ya gotta-*urp*-gotta come with me, kid.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Can't let the other Ricks f-find me.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Got somethin' reeeeeeeeeal slick comin' up.

 

**Morty:**  

Wh-wh-wh-- Oh no, no, nono! I-is that wh-what the other Ricks w-were doing? H-hiding me?

 

**Morty:**  

*starts backing up*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He starts walking towards him, and arms the portal gun* K-kid, no. They were j-just checkin' up on you. Makin' sure I hadn't gotten you yet, seeing if there was a pattern. At l-*urp*-least, that's what I'd do.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Came a bit early, though. Dumb fuckers.

 

**Morty:**  

Wh-what are y-you gonna do...?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Huh? Oh, I'm pla-*urp*-nning something big. Can't let th-them find out about it. I'm just collecting a b-b-*urp*-un- a lot of Morties to build a wall.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Don't worry k-k-kid, after the first few days, you don-*urp*-don't even feel it anymore.

 

**Morty:**  

R-r-rick I... don't l-l-like the s-sound of this....

 

**Morty:**  

*runs up against a wall*

 

**Morty:**  

Hnnnn ohhh man....

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Eh. That's what the r-rest of them said. That- that line gets a bit ol-*urp*-old after a while. Stop moaning, though. Sti- that's still annoying. *He aims the gun right beneath Morty*

 

**Morty:**  

Pl-please Rick, d-don't--

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Oops, too late. Pulled the trigger. Ha-*urp*-ha. *He pulls the trigger, and mutters to himself as he jumps in after him* Little dumb fuckin-fucker, beggin' like a piece of- a little bitch.

 

**Morty:**  

Aaaaaaaahhhhh--!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He yells* SHUT THE FUCK UP.

 

**Morty:**  

*shuts the fuck up* ... ngh...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He lands on his feet, and walks over to where Morty's lying on the floor* Sh-shit. Set the coordinates wayyy too h-high.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nudges him with his foot* Kid. M-m-morty.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You dead?

 

**Morty:**  

...unf.... f-five more minutes...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He rolls his eyes, and shakes him roughly* You're not dea-*urp*-dead. Or in bed. Get the fu-*bruuuuuu*-fuck up.

 

**Morty:**  

Ughhh ow..! *pushes Rick away* Ughhh...feels like I just...

 

**Morty:**  

O-oh. W-w-wait, I DID just f-fall through a... oh no.

 

**Morty:**  

*looks around wildly*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He sighs over dramatically, and yanks him up roughly by the arm* Yeah, you f-fell two stories. And landed on your fu-*urp*-face like the little bitch you are.

 

**Morty:**  

Ow! Jesus Rick, why are y-you... why is th-this version of you...s-so r-rough!?

 

**Morty:**  

Hhh... y-yanking me around after... after I j-just fell ... t-t-two stories...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Lotta-*urp*-shit. I was in time jail for a while.

 

**Morty:**  

W-w-well still!

 

**Morty:**  

I'm- I'm- I'm still your g-grandson!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He sighs again, and just picks him up, yanking his arm again just for the hell of it* Wh-who gives a shit? You ra-*urp*-ratted me out. Woulda' been dead, t-too, if I didn't kill the cop.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((very ooc rn but my only excuse is the multiverse

 

**Morty:**  

((man i dont even care this is hella fun DONT LEAVE ME HANGIN FUCKER <3

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((AYYYYY LMAO I'M HERE FOR CHILDREN IN PAIN

 

**Morty:**  

((you utter shite lmao you're making my morty stutter more than is canon, too. yea im blaming you idk .. ANYwAY

 

**Morty:**  

The- the cop?!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((you just told me not to leave you hanging well guess what fucker

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((kidding brb

 

**Morty:**  

((be that way. actually i thought you were gonna literally hang morty on the electric morty fence... still actually not sure you're NOT going to... oh god

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((lmao i dont even know what im gonna do

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He speaks as he walks* Well, cops. Plural.

 

**Morty:**  

*follows reluctantly, despite all evidence pointing to run the fuck away*

 

**Morty:**  

Oh... oh man, y-you know those guys have f-families...?

 

**Morty:**  

W-wait, human cops? O-or ... space... alien... cannon fodder cops?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He does a shitty imitation of Morty's voice* Oh... oh man, y-you know you're really shitty at guilt tripping me?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You ratted me out a lot. So, both. Human and space dicks alike.

 

**Morty:**  

I... I don't remember ratting you out... uh... that much...

 

**Morty:**  

O-or...at all, actually...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-yeah, that's because all the ver-*urp*-versions of you that did ended up d-dead.

 

**Morty:**  

Wuh... well, then those weren't me?!

 

**Morty:**  

Just like... th-those other Ricks...aren't...you?

 

**Morty:**  

Ohh... I'm getting really confused here, Rick...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Th-the versions of you that got me arrest-*urp*-ed in any dimension got killed. It-it's like Darwin's theory. You-you're alive because you haven't, At least n-not yet. It's fucking basic logic.

 

**Morty:**  

O-oh. That makes sense... I think...

 

**Morty:**  

Well, uh, anyway, where are we going?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Blips a-and Chitz.

 

**Morty:**  

A-- wait, really?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

No, you dipass. We're going to Hell.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

At least, that's what I-I'm calling it.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Because it-*urp*- it's shorter t-than "a big ass pit full of shit and au-automatic ball kickers"

 

**Morty:**  

Wh-what!? *stops following* I-I-I'm not... I mean... I'd really rather... go to Blips n Chitz?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-yeah so would I, b-*urp*-but I'm banned and you're trapped.

 

**Morty:**  

I-I mean I feel like I have a pretty good grip on wh-when you're just fucking around a-and...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

W-well I'm not "j-*urp*-just fucking around," MORTY. Shit's serious r-right now.

 

**Morty:**  

Well I-I don't want to go to... to hell, if what you just described is... is where we're going! I'm going to... I'm gonna find my own way home..!

 

**Morty:**  

*mumbles* M-maybe dying here would be less painful than...than a bigass pit f-full of shit...and...and automatic ball kickers...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He grabs Morty's wrist tightly, and yanks him forward* Well, M-m-morty, I guess this sucks for you, b-but you don't exactly have a choice.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

I d-don't care what you want. You're not even real. *He mutters* Nothing's real anymore.

 

**Morty:**  

Ahhaaaowww! *tries to free himself, in vain*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He squeezes tighter, hard enough to leave bruises* You

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You're coming. I don't care what you want.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((hit send too soon sorry dude

 

**Morty:**  

((omg my poor bb morty lmao ur gonna fuck him up

 

**Morty:**  

R-rick, please...

 

**Morty:**  

Th-think about... think about what you're doing.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i spend a lot of time thinking of torture methods lmao

 

**Morty:**  

((tbh i dont know what your rick is doing so ha HA HAVE AT ME

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He rolls his eyes and practically drags Morty forwards* Trust me, I have.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((tbh i dont even know what my rick is doing i just love pain

 

**Morty:**  

((thats not creepy or anything lmao.........................

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

**Morty:**  

((well whatever, im gonna try to appeal to the better side of you anyway! PEACE N LOVE MOTHERFUCKER GIT SUM

 

**Morty:**  

*whimpers, but stays otherwise silent and allows himself to be pulled*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((oh god do i even have a better side

 

**Morty:**  

((i s2g if u kill my morty im gonna come back as evil morty, find u, n fuck ur shit up not really because im lazy but throw me a bone mang

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*Rick keeps walking silently, until he gets to something that looks like a glass elevator. He punches in a passcode, then does a retinal scan* Morty, open your eyes wide so I can scan your retina.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((god at first i just wanted to make bad jokes and burp a lot why has it come to this

 

**Morty:**  

((i MEAN ONLY IFG YOU WANNA IDK THERE IS NO PRESSURE JESUS IDK MAN OKAY

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((there is no turning back. only Pain.

 

**Morty:**  

((i am resigned to my fate

 

**Morty:**  

Uh..uh.. is this going to hurt?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He snorts* Of-duh. Yea-oh, the retinal -*urp*- scan? Nah.

 

**Morty:**  

Oh uhhh... *is temporarily blinded by the scan* Oh.

 

**Morty:**  

Th-that wasn't so bad, ahaha...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*The doors open, and he pushes Morty inside* O-okay. Kid. You're gonna h-hear a lot of shit. You're probably gonna s-see yourself die. Do-*urp*-don't worry about it.

 

**Morty:**  

I...wha? W-wait a second, Rick, wai--

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You-you's from other /dimensions/ Morty. Not /you/, you. D-don't worry about it.

 

**Morty:**  

Oh man Rick... y-you really do a lot to.. to mess me up...

 

**Morty:**  

N-nevermind, forget it. I'm.. I'm resigned to whatever fate I'm g-getting...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He shrugs* Mo-most of them are clones. There's on-*urp*-only about fifty real Morties. Getting r-real Morties is pretty risky. Well, about as "real" as anything is.

 

**Morty:**  

Oh, there you go again with your scientifically en-endorsed nihilism shtick-- *the doors close on his rant... after a few seconds, he starts screaming*

 

**Morty:**  

*then banging on the glass door...*

 

**Morty:**  

*...then he collapses*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*Rick immediately catches him* Morty! Oh god, oh sh-*urp*-shit, that wasn't supposed to happen f-for at least another ten minutes. Kid! MORTY!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Shit. *He opens the doors at the next floor, then carries Morty to a generic (yet amazingly trashed) lab*

 

**Morty:**  

Hnn...

 

**Morty:**  

It...it hurts... again..

 

**Morty:**  

Rick...why....?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He looks up from the machine monitoring Morty's vitals* M-morty, I didn't do that. Th-*urp*-at wasn't me.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

I-is this version of you prone to seizures, or-*urp*-or something?

 

**Morty:**  

W-well.... I mean... I did get pretty sick off that "space texmex" place you... you insisted on stopping by... haha... black hole nachos....

 

**Morty:**  

I think they... kinda screwed up my brain...

 

**Morty:**  

Where... where are we...?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He picks up an erlenmeyer flask of threatening-looking red liquid, then down it in one go* My lab on th-the negative twenty-fourth floor. You're strapped to a m-metal table.

 

**Morty:**  

O-oh. Heh... right. I guess I could have... worked that one out for myself.

 

**Morty:**  

So... uh... can I be unstrapped, or...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-you think you're gonna have another seizure?

 

**Morty:**  

N-no! If that's even what it was..! I s-saw some shit, in that, room... like you said, and... and I saw some shit, man! I think I blacked out to, you know, preserve my sanity!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He considers it for a moment, then shrugs and begins to unstrap him* While you were out, I found out you've got PTSD. Not a biig surprise, b-but I thought you sh-*urp*-should know.

 

**Morty:**  

Oh geez, Rick. L-like that thing... like what soldiers get? From.. from wars and stuff?!

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nods* Not j-just soldiers, obviously. y-*urp*-you've got it.

 

**Morty:**  

*laughs nervously and rubs his wrists as he swings his legs down off the table* W-well, I mean... it's not really all that surprising... I guess, huh.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((brb my mouse has made its way into my sweatpants send help

 

**Morty:**  

((i think u deserve dis for putting me thru emotional turmoil

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((that is true

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((not gonna deny it

 

**Morty:**  

((all this time i thought only morty would be in pain, u monster

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Ye-yeah, it's probably from burying your own c-corpse and changing d-*urp*-dimensions and committing genocide.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((jokes on you everyones in pain

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((mortys in pain, ricks in pain

 

**Morty:**  

((WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB B)

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((youre in pain, im in pain, my dads an alcoholic and my grandpa sexually harasses me

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB MOTHERFUCKERS

 

**Morty:**  

((solidarity brofist

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((free me from this flesh prison

 

**Morty:**  

((turn that prison into a nightclub yo or at least a hookah bar

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i like Resting Bitchface better

 

**Morty:**  

Y-y-yeah, that sounds like it would do it...!

 

**Morty:**  

((it yo temple bru

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Well, this is definitely not helping.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((im gonna worship mysefl here

 

**Morty:**  

((mmmyeah bb worship harder. HARDER...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((puppet beaver voice: HARDER

 

**Morty:**  

W-well, what do you want me t-to do, Rick?! J-just stop being... being traumatically stressed?

 

**Morty:**  

H-how do you do it?!

 

**Morty:**  

W-wait.

 

**Morty:**  

No... I know

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

G-geez, Morty, it was just a comment. I'm probably not helping you b-by... by torturing you right here.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh yeah, MORTY? What do you know?

 

**Morty:**  

I'm...I'm just gonna gloss over th-that torture comment and press on and continue-- and say that yeah, I know! I know why you drink now!

 

**Morty:**  

Because it hurts!

 

**Morty:**  

B-because, I think... y-you're really smart-- smarter than everyone... ever... and-- and that's real lonely, Rick! It sure as hell sounds real lonely!

 

**Morty:**  

Y-you're distressed too! A-a-and you drown that.. in alcohol.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Ooooh, Morty, you've got me. Y-you've really got me figured out. I'm- I'm such a /tortured soul/ aren't I? Just looking for a friend? And I'm an alcoholic because of it?

 

**Morty:**  

W-well... yeah?

 

**Morty:**  

I- I mean, it... it sure explains a lot...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Whoop-de-FUCKING-do. You're real smart for figuring out what Bird Person told you TWO MONTHS AGO.

 

**Morty:**  

*does the 'about-to-cry' lip quiver*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

You can't even come up with your own epiphanies on your own! You're just a dumb little shit that would be dead in EVERY GODDAMN UNIVERSE if it weren't for me.

 

**Morty:**  

Th-that's not true..

 

**Morty:**  

It...it isn't true... *questioning tone* it's ... not...?...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He glares down at him* You think I've got it bad? Look at you. You're a puny little child, who thinks his problems are bigger than thegoodamn universe.

 

**Morty:**  

*avoids Rick's gaze* ...no... I don't th-think that...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He laughs angrily* You think I'm lying? In every dimension where I haven't come back for Beth, You killed yourself. It's not hard to see why.

 

**Morty:**  

*he seems to withdraw within himself, confirming what his grandpa is saying*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He doesn't move, not even when he realizes that he's just verbally abused a child. There's nothing to say. He refuses to admit he regrets it, even though he does.*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((im so soryr

 

**Morty:**  

((you're tEARING ME APART

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((GOOD

 

**Morty:**  

((NO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((I CAME HERE FOR PUNS

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((LOOK WHERE I AM NOW

 

**Morty:**  

((GIVE ME MY HAPPY ENDIGN

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((FIGHT ME

 

**Morty:**  

((YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SANS IF U WANTED PUNS FIGHT ME

 

**Morty:**  

D..d'you hear that..?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((I HAVENT ACTUALLY PLAYED UNDERTALE YET FIGHT ME

 

**Morty:**  

((ITS PRETTY DECENT FIGHT ME

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He snaps out of it to listen* Hear what?

 

**Morty:**  

It...it sounds like... people fighting..?

 

**Morty:**  

((HA MOTHERFUCKER WHAT NOW I'M BREAKING THE 4TH WALL

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((I KNOW I REALLY WANT TO BUT THE VERSION I PIRATED DOESN'T SAVE I NEED TO PLAY THE ENTIRE THING IN ONE GO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TAHT INFORMATION

 

**Morty:**  

((FUCKER I WILL BUY YOU THAT SHIT I S2G ITS LIKE 10 DOLLARS

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh... oh shit. The Morties! *It dawns on him. The Morties are trying to escape*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((NO I PIRATED IT IM PLAYING IT NEXT WEEK

 

**Morty:**  

((OKAY I WAS REFERRING TO THE FACT THAT WE STARTED YELLING IN OOC AND MORTY CAN SOMEHOW HEAR IT BUYT OKAYYY THAT WORKS TOO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((BRUH I HAVE OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS I CANT BUY SHIT ONLINE

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((YEAH I KNOW BUT THATS TOO META FOR ME TO HANDLE IM DYING HERE

 

**Morty:**  

((THATS ROUGH BUDDY [i pirated it too first it ok]

 

**Morty:**  

((MAN YOU'RE REALLY BUSTING MY FIGURATIvE BALLS HERE

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((IM GONNA FIND TOBY FOX AND JUST FLING A $10 BILL AT HIM

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((GOOD. TAKE MORTY'S PLACE.

 

**Morty:**  

((YEAH. YEAH DO THAT TURN IT INTO A HORNET AND SHOOT IT AT HIM WITH A RUBBER BAND LMAO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((OK THATS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE BUT ILL TRY

 

**Morty:**  

((MAYBE I WILL TAKE HIS PLACE COS IT'D BE EASIER THAN ARGUING WIT YOU!?>!? ok this devolved into us yelling and i have no fucking clue what to do now

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((the morties are rioting. fuckfuckfuck gfuck duck fgcu

 

**Morty:**  

((sasjhfdajkdfhg

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((smae

 

**Morty:**  

*a rumbling noise begins rising through the walls*

 

**Morty:**  

Uh-- uh Rick... what are... The Morties...?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Rioting. Go-gotta... I need to lock it down... *He looks around then races to a control panel on the wall*

 

**Morty:**  

I-- I mean... those are... the, uh, the more than 50 fake clones of me..?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Hmm? *He talks as he concentrates on typing into the panel* What? Oh, yeah. No. I can kill the clones r-*urp*-remotely. It's the real ones I'm worried about.

 

**Morty:**  

*hoists himself off the table to wander over to where Rick has gone* Th... there's real ones, too? Like.. with PTSD and everything?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nods absently* Only about ten or so. I-it's not like they're a threat. But if I can't contain them, they'll go rogue, and just - basically they'll get lost and starve to death. I almost did that once. I designed this place a bit too well.

 

**Morty:**  

Wait so... would the same thing happen to me if I...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

If you were brainwashed and let loose in an underground death trap? Yes.

 

**Morty:**  

Br-brainwashed? Those other Morties are brainwashed?

 

**Morty:**  

What... what IS this place? What have you been doing out here?!

 

**Morty:**  

Aside from... from shoving me into glass torture devices and... and shit?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Planning another revolution. Designing strategies to take down the Gromflamites. I just needed a Morty smokescreen to hide me.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Psychological pain is a lot more efficient than physical.

 

**Morty:**  

O-oh. S-so I guess... I'm just another pawn... in... in whatever this is.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Not gonna lie, Morty. Yeah. You are. But not anymore, be-because there's nothing to be a pawn in anymore.

 

**Morty:**  

N-not that I'm complaining but... why?

 

**Morty:**  

C-can I just... go home?

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((what a tweest

 

**Morty:**  

((r u giving me my happy ending u lil ballsack >;L

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He closes his eyes, and nods* No saving this place. Gotta burn it to the ground. No real reason to drag you around, now. I'll take you back.

 

**Morty:**  

A-and you... are you... uh... 'my' Rick? Or was I just... an incidental Morty?

 

**Morty:**  

A-are you gonna leave me alone... in my dimension..?

 

**Morty:**  

Sure I... I might be a suicidal Morty, like...like those others...if ... and if you don't come back with me... I...

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

I'm not "your Rick." Rick C-137 is at a galactic strip club. He'll be back tomorrow night. *He closes his eyes* I didn't - I'm sorry about what I said.

 

**Morty:**  

........ *does the o wo face, you know the one, that can't be accurately displayed in text*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((justin calls it "the ballsack face"

 

**Morty:**  

((oh, okay, that lmao i forgot about that

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

About - about how you deserved everything that came to you.

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((dont need to apologize for not knowing that its legal name is "the ballsack face"

 

**Morty:**  

((ur legal name is the ballsack face >:L

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((that is not untrue

 

**Morty:**  

Rick...I.....

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

Just shut up and don't make me talk anymore. *He arms the portal gun, and slams a button on the control panel* Let's get you back.

 

**Morty:**  

*stays quiet and follows meekly behind*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He opens a portal in the wall, and walks towards it* Come on.

 

**Morty:**  

*continues behind...*

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*When they step through, the portal closes. Rick gives Morty a moment to adjust, then takes a step back* You won't see me again.

 

**Morty:**  

*stands, looking somewhat at a loss for words (like usual)*

 

**Morty:**  

Rick... I hope you find.... something. Happiness, maybe. Or..or... closure. Or relief from your pain. I.. I really do.

 

**Morty:**  

Goodbye.

 

**Morty:**  

((SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE YYYYYYYYYYYYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((smae

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

*He just shakes his head and opens up another portal* Whatever.

 

**Morty:**  

((im sorry i held u captive for like hours i hope you enjoyed iT AS FUCKING MUCH AS I DID U COLD COLD ASSHOLE lmao

 

**Morty:**  

((OF FUCKIN COURSE UR FUCKING RICK WOULD SAY THAT OFC

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((as i said before: i love pain

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((HES HIDING HIS FEELINGS OK

 

**Morty:**  

((but u loved me enough to give me my hAPPY ENDIGN

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((U EXPECT ME TO WRITE "HE TRIES NOT TO CRY"

 

**Morty:**  

((NO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((BRUH U GOTTA SEE CONTEXT

 

**Morty:**  

((ITS PERFECT AND I KNOW

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((THANKS I AM PERFECT

 

**Morty:**  

((I AM ALL THE HELLS UP IN THJIS CONTEZTTXT IM JUST FUCKING WITH YOU and you are fucking with me go home

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i am home i finihsed my spanish homework and an entire essay in the time this took

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((like i did that while talking to you

 

**Morty:**  

(( GOOD I HELPED

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((fuckin a+ multitasking

 

**Morty:**  

((I AM HELPFUL AND GOOD SEE U SHOULD THANK ME i just multishamchatted because i am trash so a+++ on u

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((thanks bbabe we are both gr8

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i am here 4 pain

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((my tungle is eroticshark if u wanna see my quality shitposts

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((here 4 u

 

**Morty:**  

((yes hELL YES i wAS HOPING

 

**Morty:**  

((i am smardalek

 

**Morty:**  

((it is undertale hell in my blog i am sorry

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((do not apologize ive already sene all the spoilers

 

**Morty:**  

((it is going to start being rick and morty shenanigans because i just marathoned the entire thing in like 3 days ahahhh

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((holy shit now u gotta wait another year for new eps

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((cant wait 4 the pain

 

**Morty:**  

((.... DONT REMIND ME THNKCS

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((bruh i had the chance to meet justin like a month before i started watching the show and i turned it down bc i didnt know who he was

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((im dead

 

**Morty:**  

((.... u fucked up

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((YES I DID

 

**Morty:**  

(( also hOW DID U EVEN GET A CHANCE UH WOWWW LIKE

 

**Morty:**  

(( I GIVE UP EVERYONE IS COOLER THAN ME AND 1000 PERCENT MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIECN COOL SHIT not fair

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((I WENT TO LA FOR A WEEK AND MY COUSIN OFFERED ME HER TICKETS TO A THING IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING FOR THE COMIC BOOK AND JUSTIN WAS GONNA BE THERE SIGNING THE COMICS AND SHIT AND I S A I D N O

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((im dead

 

**Morty:**  

(( no u must live u can have another changce idk how u can crash a car into the offices n justin or maybe dan idk will call the cops on u

 

**Morty:**  

(( and take me with u

 

**Morty:**  

(( but not to jail im gon run my ass of for that part k

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((im k with that lets go commit arson

 

**Morty:**  

(( i didnt sign up for arson what if we burn a script to the 3rd season WHAT THEN MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THEEEEN

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((have u heard of these things called "backup files"

 

**Morty:**  

((shut uP LET ME HAVE THIS FANTASY WORLD OF MINE WHERE THEY WRITE SHIT ON HIPSTERY COFFEE HOUSE NAPKINS STAINED WITH VODKA LACED COFFEE

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((JUSTIN PAID FOR STRIPPERS WITH RICK AND MORTY DOODLES ON NAPKINS DO U REALLY THINK THIS IS SOME AESTHETIC SHIT

 

**Morty:**  

((WELL I MEAN I WOULD STRIP FOR THAT

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((SO WOULD I BUT STILL

 

**Morty:**  

((NOT LIKE, REALLY WELL BUT I COULD LIKE TRIP OVER MY PANTS AS I REMOVE THEM

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((ID SWALLOW MY OWN LUNGS FOR A DRAWING

 

**Morty:**  

((whoa friend calm down there I WOULD SHAVE MY BODY AND EAT THE HAIR FOR A DRAWING

 

**Morty:**  

((HA!!!!!!!!! this is all fucked up i need to go to bed

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAPBm_0ftAY

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((ok goodnight morty sweat dreams :)))))

 

**Morty:**  

((whAT IS THISSSSS EEEEEUGH YOU REALLY ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON RICK

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((what have i done this time

 

**Morty:**  

((THANKS. THANKS FOR THAT. RIGHT BEFORE BED. I'M NOT WATCHING THAT im totally watching that

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((watch it

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((also vomit cake

 

**Morty:**  

((nnnnooooo why

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((trust me i almost threw up watching it

 

**Morty:**  

((i trust u even less now

 

**Morty:**  

((wait no i trust u more

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((t r u s t m e : )

 

**Morty:**  

(( i dont know i am a confused child who needs sleep and not to watch hair vomit cake videos from internet strangers who like torturing fictional children

 

**Morty:**  

((BUT OKAY I TRUST YOU AND I'M LEAVING BEFORE THIS GETS TOO MUCH WORSE LMAO

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

(( :))))))

 

**Morty:**  

((oh btw i'm going to copy this over to my ao3 account because it's fuckin long enough to be a drabble so do you have any objections to that

 

**Morty:**  

((but not with... all the commentary lmao.

 

**Morty:**  

((UNLESS YOU THINK THAT MAKE IT BETTER

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((nah bro go ahead

 

**Morty:**  

((hmmm HMMMMMMMMM okay

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((ADD IT IN AS AUTHORS NOTES

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((also link it to me bc this is fuckin golf

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((gold

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((fguck

 

**Morty:**  

((FUCKING GOLF WHO FUCKING YEAH PLATINUM FUCKING GOLF

 

**Morty:**  

((YEAH. YEAH i'll submit it on your blog lmao make sure your submissions are open

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((jerry would

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i will do that i will go open submissions

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((i keep forgetting

 

**Morty:**  

((just realized no one likes jerry in undertale or rick and morty yooooooooo

 

**Morty:**  

((okay let us abort this mad fetus of a shamchat

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((or parks and rec

 

**Morty:**  

((OOH YOU'RE RIGHT

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((ok goodnight mort

 

**Morty:**  

((basically: fuck morty.

 

**Morty:**  

((wait no

 

**Morty:**  

((you

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((no

 

**Morty:**  

((fuck

 

**Morty:**  

((kjdfhl ksjrd bg; dlksj

 

**Morty:**  

((you said it and i typed it and

 

**Morty:**  

((fuck my life i'm LEAVING

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((do not fuck the mort

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((GOODNIGHT

 

**Morty:**  

((NO INTENTION AAA LALALALA IM A DUMB FUCK GOODNIGHT <3

 

**Rick Sanchez:**  

((<3333333333

 

Rick Sanchez has left the conversation.

 

  
  
  


  


 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok here you go the version without a lot of yelling about pain and torture and sweatpant mice and swallowing one's own lungs and stripping for rick and morty drawings and eating human hair. if you have no idea what i'm talking about maybe you should read the first chapter mofo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i edited this quickly, so if you find a mistake before i come back and reread this later to fix it, let me know thanks!

 

 **Morty:**  

R-r-r-r-rick!!!!!

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-y-y-you gotta h-h-help me!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Hey -*urp*- M-morty. I've been looking for you.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh god. Who'd you k-kill this time.

 

 **Morty:**  

Th-there's another you! A-and they're... they're... they're r-r-runnin' around...!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Wow. Big surprise. Was-*urp*- was there a point to this?

 

 **Morty:**  

Wh-wh-wh... I mean.. I... I thought you'd be a little more... uh.. concerned...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

H-how do you know I'm not the -*urp*- other me? I mean, i s-seem pretty chill about this.

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh. Oh god, you're r-r-right. Quick, uhh, quick ask me... wait no, I have to ask you a q-question only I... I mean only you would know...

 

 **Morty:**  

W-w-wait if only you know th-the answer I m-might not know the, uh, the question...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*Cue loud, over exaggerated sigh* M-morty, I know you jacked off in my lab last night. I accidentally cloed you instead of the backup me I was making. Good enough?

 

 **Morty:**  

Nnn...

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-y-y-y-- Geez Rick I...

 

 **Morty:**  

I-I was just...

 

 **Morty:**  

W-wait, that w-wasn't last night, I.. I... w-w-w-wasn't...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-you were just what? Fuckin', dicking around just for kicks and giggles? Just to fuck with my shit? Can you explain yourself out of this one? You little -*urp*- little shit?

 

 **Morty:**  

N-no! I-I-I-I mean yes! I- I mean, I wasn't touching myself... i-in your lab... l-last night! W-w-we were at blips n chitz, remember?!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

No, MORTY, I don't remember. You know why? BEcause y-*urp*-you're just tryna...

 

 **Morty:**  

And- and- and I-I-I'm not saying I was d-d-doin' it at blips n chitz e-e-either I mean we weren't e-even--

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Ha ha.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Little rascal.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Wait, shit, seriously? Shit, I knew that. Just -*urp*- just testin' ya M-m-morty, ya little...

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh-oh my g-god Rick, you're such an asshole.

 

 **Morty:**  

H-here I was fuh-fuckin' trying to warn you about s-something...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

God, M-*urp*-orty. Keep up. D-don't just... just go along with everything you hear. Don-*urp*-don't be a sheep.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Yeah, I hear you were fuckin'... -*urp*- tryna warn me about something. And y-yet, here we are.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Fuckin' dicking around.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

As usual.

 

 **Morty:**  

*sigh*

 

 **Morty:**  

I-it probably doesn't matter, anyway, r-right? Y-you already know what's going on?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

I know you're a real piece of SHIT, M-*urp*-morty.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Haha no I'm kidding.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

I didn't even know I was in this dimension.

 

 **Morty:**  

Wh...what do you mean, 'this dimension'..?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Cat-*urp*-ch me up, will ya? What's so dang-*urp*-ous about me?

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-y-you're...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You know, C-137?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Thought I was headin' to Alpha-549.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

So what's got you so fuckin... fucki-*urp*- excited?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Not like this isn't a... a regular occurance 'round here.

 

 **Morty:**  

W-w-well I just saw you, a-and you were yelling about...s-somethin' about 'too many of us'... a-and then you fired the portal gun u-underneath me, b-but it was just into my room, s-so I...

 

 **Morty:**  

Uhhh came down t-t-to find you because I-I thought something crazy was going on...?

 

 **Morty:**  

B-but when I found you...

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-you were-- He was-- I don't know! Stop shooting the p-portal gun at me!

 

 **Morty:**  

It-it-it's not funny anymore!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh- oh yeah I just- yea-*urp*-yeah. Sorry, M-m-morty, but I need a few brainwaves to hide me. Ya gotta-*urp*-gotta come with me, kid.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Can't let the other Ricks f-find me.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Got somethin' reeeeeeeeeal slick comin' up.

 

 **Morty:**  

Wh-wh-wh-- Oh no, no, nono! I-is that wh-what the other Ricks w-were doing? H-hiding me?

 

 **Morty:**  

*starts backing up*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He starts walking towards him, and arms the portal gun* K-kid, no. They were j-just checkin' up on you. Makin' sure I hadn't gotten you yet, seeing if there was a pattern. At l-*urp*-least, that's what I'd do.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Came a bit early, though. Dumb fuckers.

 

 **Morty:**  

Wh-what are y-you gonna do...?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Huh? Oh, I'm pla-*urp*-nning something big. Can't let th-them find out about it. I'm just collecting a b-b-*urp*-un- a lot of Morties to build a wall.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Don't worry k-k-kid, after the first few days, you don-*urp*-don't even feel it anymore.

 

 **Morty:**  

R-r-rick I... don't l-l-like the s-sound of this....

 

 **Morty:**  

*runs up against a wall*

 

 **Morty:**  

Hnnnn ohhh man....

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Eh. That's what the r-rest of them said. That- that line gets a bit ol-*urp*-old after a while. Stop moaning, though. Sti- that's still annoying. *He aims the gun right beneath Morty*

 

 **Morty:**  

Pl-please Rick, d-don't--

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Oops, too late. Pulled the trigger. Ha-*urp*-ha. *He pulls the trigger, and mutters to himself as he jumps in after him* Little dumb fuckin-fucker, beggin' like a piece of- a little bitch.

 

 **Morty:**  

Aaaaaaaahhhhh--!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He yells* SHUT THE FUCK UP.

 

 **Morty:**  

*shuts the fuck up* ... ngh...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He lands on his feet, and walks over to where Morty's lying on the floor* Sh-shit. Set the coordinates wayyy too h-high.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nudges him with his foot* Kid. M-m-morty.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You dead?

 

 **Morty:**  

...unf.... f-five more minutes...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He rolls his eyes, and shakes him roughly* You're not dea-*urp*-dead. Or in bed. Get the fu-*bruuuuuu*-fuck up.

 

 **Morty:**  

Ughhh ow..! *pushes Rick away* Ughhh...feels like I just...

 

 **Morty:**  

O-oh. W-w-wait, I DID just f-fall through a... oh no.

 

 **Morty:**  

*looks around wildly*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He sighs over dramatically, and yanks him up roughly by the arm* Yeah, you f-fell two stories. And landed on your fu-*urp*-face like the little bitch you are.

 

 **Morty:**  

Ow! Jesus Rick, why are y-you... why is th-this version of you...s-so r-rough!?

 

 **Morty:**  

Hhh... y-yanking me around after... after I j-just fell ... t-t-two stories...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Lotta-*urp*-shit. I was in time jail for a while.

 

 **Morty:**  

W-w-well still!

 

 **Morty:**  

I'm- I'm- I'm still your g-grandson!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He sighs again, and just picks him up, yanking his arm again just for the hell of it* Wh-who gives a shit? You ra-*urp*-ratted me out. Woulda' been dead, t-too, if I didn't kill the cop.

 

 **Morty:**  

The- the cop?!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He speaks as he walks* Well, cops. Plural.

 

 **Morty:**  

*follows reluctantly, despite all evidence pointing to run the fuck away*

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh... oh man, y-you know those guys have f-families...?

 

 **Morty:**  

W-wait, human cops? O-or ... space... alien... cannon fodder cops?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He does a shitty imitation of Morty's voice* Oh... oh man, y-you know you're really shitty at guilt tripping me?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You ratted me out a lot. So, both. Human and space dicks alike.

 

 **Morty:**  

I... I don't remember ratting you out... uh... that much...

 

 **Morty:**  

O-or...at all, actually...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-yeah, that's because all the ver-*urp*-versions of you that did ended up d-dead.

 

 **Morty:**  

Wuh... well, then those weren't me?!

 

 **Morty:**  

Just like... th-those other Ricks...aren't...you?

 

 **Morty:**  

Ohh... I'm getting really confused here, Rick...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Th-the versions of you that got me arrest-*urp*-ed in any dimension got killed. It-it's like Darwin's theory. You-you're alive because you haven't, At least n-not yet. It's fucking basic logic.

 

 **Morty:**  

O-oh. That makes sense... I think...

 

 **Morty:**  

Well, uh, anyway, where are we going?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Blips a-and Chitz.

 

 **Morty:**  

A-- wait, really?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

No, you dipass. We're going to Hell.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

At least, that's what I-I'm calling it.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Because it-*urp*- it's shorter t-than "a big ass pit full of shit and au-automatic ball kickers"

 

 **Morty:**  

Wh-what!? *stops following* I-I-I'm not... I mean... I'd really rather... go to Blips n Chitz?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-yeah so would I, b-*urp*-but I'm banned and you're trapped.

 

 **Morty:**  

I-I mean I feel like I have a pretty good grip on wh-when you're just fucking around a-and...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

W-well I'm not "j-*urp*-just fucking around," MORTY. Shit's serious r-right now.

 

 **Morty:**  

Well I-I don't want to go to... to hell, if what you just described is... is where we're going! I'm going to... I'm gonna find my own way home..!

 

 **Morty:**  

*mumbles* M-maybe dying here would be less painful than...than a bigass pit f-full of shit...and...and automatic ball kickers...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He grabs Morty's wrist tightly, and yanks him forward* Well, M-m-morty, I guess this sucks for you, b-but you don't exactly have a choice.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

I d-don't care what you want. You're not even real. *He mutters* Nothing's real anymore.

 

 **Morty:**  

Ahhaaaowww! *tries to free himself, in vain*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He squeezes tighter, hard enough to leave bruises*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You're coming. I don't care what you want.

 

 **Morty:**  

R-rick, please...

 

 **Morty:**  

Th-think about... think about what you're doing.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He rolls his eyes and practically drags Morty forwards* Trust me, I have.

 

 **Morty:**  

*whimpers, but stays otherwise silent and allows himself to be pulled*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*Rick keeps walking silently, until he gets to something that looks like a glass elevator. He punches in a passcode, then does a retinal scan* Morty, open your eyes wide so I can scan your retina.

 

 **Morty:**  

Uh..uh.. is this going to hurt?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He snorts* Of-duh. Yea-oh, the retinal -*urp*- scan? Nah.

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh uhhh... *is temporarily blinded by the scan* Oh.

 

 **Morty:**  

Th-that wasn't so bad, ahaha...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*The doors open, and he pushes Morty inside* O-okay. Kid. You're gonna h-hear a lot of shit. You're probably gonna s-see yourself die. Do-*urp*-don't worry about it.

 

 **Morty:**  

I...wha? W-wait a second, Rick, wai--

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You-you's from other /dimensions/ Morty. Not /you/, you. D-don't worry about it.

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh man Rick... y-you really do a lot to.. to mess me up...

 

 **Morty:**  

N-nevermind, forget it. I'm.. I'm resigned to whatever fate I'm g-getting...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He shrugs* Mo-most of them are clones. There's on-*urp*-only about fifty real Morties. Getting r-real Morties is pretty risky. Well, about as "real" as anything is.

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh, there you go again with your scientifically en-endorsed nihilism shtick-- *the doors close on his rant... after a few seconds, he starts screaming*

 

 **Morty:**  

*then banging on the glass door...*

 

 **Morty:**  

*...then he collapses*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*Rick immediately catches him* Morty! Oh god, oh sh-*urp*-shit, that wasn't supposed to happen f-for at least another ten minutes. Kid! MORTY!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Shit. *He opens the doors at the next floor, then carries Morty to a generic (yet amazingly trashed) lab*

 

 **Morty:**  

Hnn...

 

 **Morty:**  

It...it hurts... again..

 

 **Morty:**  

Rick...why....?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He looks up from the machine monitoring Morty's vitals* M-morty, I didn't do that. Th-*urp*-at wasn't me.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

I-is this version of you prone to seizures, or-*urp*-or something?

 

 **Morty:**  

W-well.... I mean... I did get pretty sick off that "space texmex" place you... you insisted on stopping by... haha... black hole nachos....

 

 **Morty:**  

I think they... kinda screwed up my brain...

 

 **Morty:**  

Where... where are we...?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He picks up an erlenmeyer flask of threatening-looking red liquid, then down it in one go* My lab on th-the negative twenty-fourth floor. You're strapped to a m-metal table.

 

 **Morty:**  

O-oh. Heh... right. I guess I could have... worked that one out for myself.

 

 **Morty:**  

So... uh... can I be unstrapped, or...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Y-you think you're gonna have another seizure?

 

 **Morty:**  

N-no! If that's even what it was..! I s-saw some shit, in that, room... like you said, and... and I saw some shit, man! I think I blacked out to, you know, preserve my sanity!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He considers it for a moment, then shrugs and begins to unstrap him* While you were out, I found out you've got PTSD. Not a biig surprise, b-but I thought you sh-*urp*-should know.

 

 **Morty:**  

Oh geez, Rick. L-like that thing... like what soldiers get? From.. from wars and stuff?!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nods* Not j-just soldiers, obviously. y-*urp*-you've got it.

 

 **Morty:**  

*laughs nervously and rubs his wrists as he swings his legs down off the table* W-well, I mean... it's not really all that surprising... I guess, huh.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Ye-yeah, it's probably from burying your own c-corpse and changing d-*urp*-dimensions and committing genocide.

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-y-yeah, that sounds like it would do it...!

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Well, this is definitely not helping.

 

 **Morty:**  

W-well, what do you want me t-to do, Rick?! J-just stop being... being traumatically stressed?

 

 **Morty:**  

H-how do you do it?!

 

 **Morty:**  

W-wait.

 

 **Morty:**  

No... I know

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

G-geez, Morty, it was just a comment. I'm probably not helping you b-by... by torturing you right here.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh yeah, MORTY? What do you know?

 

 **Morty:**  

I'm...I'm just gonna gloss over th-that torture comment and press on and continue-- and say that yeah, I know! I know why you drink now!

 

 **Morty:**  

Because it hurts!

 

 **Morty:**  

B-because, I think... y-you're really smart-- smarter than everyone... ever... and-- and that's real lonely, Rick! It sure as hell sounds real lonely!

 

 **Morty:**  

Y-you're distressed too! A-a-and you drown that.. in alcohol.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Ooooh, Morty, you've got me. Y-you've really got me figured out. I'm- I'm such a /tortured soul/ aren't I? Just looking for a friend? And I'm an alcoholic because of it?

 

 **Morty:**  

W-well... yeah?

 

 **Morty:**  

I- I mean, it... it sure explains a lot...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Whoop-de-FUCKING-do. You're real smart for figuring out what Bird Person told you TWO MONTHS AGO.

 

 **Morty:**  

*does the 'about-to-cry' lip quiver*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

You can't even come up with your own epiphanies on your own! You're just a dumb little shit that would be dead in EVERY GODDAMN UNIVERSE if it weren't for me.

 

 **Morty:**  

Th-that's not true..

 

 **Morty:**  

It...it isn't true... *questioning tone* it's ... not...?...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He glares down at him* You think I've got it bad? Look at you. You're a puny little child, who thinks his problems are bigger than thegoodamn universe.

 

 **Morty:**  

*avoids Rick's gaze* ...no... I don't th-think that...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He laughs angrily* You think I'm lying? In every dimension where I haven't come back for Beth, You killed yourself. It's not hard to see why.

 

 **Morty:**  

*he seems to withdraw within himself, confirming what his grandpa is saying*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He doesn't move, not even when he realizes that he's just verbally abused a child. There's nothing to say. He refuses to admit he regrets it, even though he does.*

 

 **Morty:**  

D..d'you hear that..?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He snaps out of it to listen* Hear what?

 

 **Morty:**  

It...it sounds like... people fighting..?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Oh... oh shit. The Morties! *It dawns on him. The Morties are trying to escape*

 

 **Morty:**  

*a rumbling noise begins rising through the walls*

 

 **Morty:**  

Uh-- uh Rick... what are... The Morties...?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Rioting. Go-gotta... I need to lock it down... *He looks around then races to a control panel on the wall*

 

 **Morty:**  

I-- I mean... those are... the, uh, the more than 50 fake clones of me..?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Hmm? *He talks as he concentrates on typing into the panel* What? Oh, yeah. No. I can kill the clones r-*urp*-remotely. It's the real ones I'm worried about.

 

 **Morty:**  

*hoists himself off the table to wander over to where Rick has gone* Th... there's real ones, too? Like.. with PTSD and everything?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He nods absently* Only about ten or so. I-it's not like they're a threat. But if I can't contain them, they'll go rogue, and just - basically they'll get lost and starve to death. I almost did that once. I designed this place a bit too well.

 

 **Morty:**  

Wait so... would the same thing happen to me if I...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

If you were brainwashed and let loose in an underground death trap? Yes.

 

 **Morty:**  

Br-brainwashed? Those other Morties are brainwashed?

 

 **Morty:**  

What... what IS this place? What have you been doing out here?!

 

 **Morty:**  

Aside from... from shoving me into glass torture devices and... and shit?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Planning another revolution. Designing strategies to take down the Gromflamites. I just needed a Morty smokescreen to hide me.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Psychological pain is a lot more efficient than physical.

 

 **Morty:**  

O-oh. S-so I guess... I'm just another pawn... in... in whatever this is.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Not gonna lie, Morty. Yeah. You are. But not anymore, be-because there's nothing to be a pawn in anymore.

 

 **Morty:**  

N-not that I'm complaining but... why?

 

 **Morty:**  

C-can I just... go home?

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He closes his eyes, and nods* No saving this place. Gotta burn it to the ground. No real reason to drag you around, now. I'll take you back.

 

 **Morty:**  

A-and you... are you... uh... 'my' Rick? Or was I just... an incidental Morty?

 

 **Morty:**  

A-are you gonna leave me alone... in my dimension..?

 

 **Morty:**  

Sure I... I might be a suicidal Morty, like...like those others...if ... and if you don't come back with me... I...

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

I'm not "your Rick." Rick C-137 is at a galactic strip club. He'll be back tomorrow night. *He closes his eyes* I didn't - I'm sorry about what I said.

 

 **Morty:**  

........ *does the o wo face, you know the one, that can't be accurately displayed in text*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

About - about how you deserved everything that came to you.

 

 **Morty:**  

Rick...I.....

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

Just shut up and don't make me talk anymore. *He arms the portal gun, and slams a button on the control panel* Let's get you back.

 

 **Morty:**  

*stays quiet and follows meekly behind*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He opens a portal in the wall, and walks towards it* Come on.

 

 **Morty:**  

*continues behind...*

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*When they step through, the portal closes. Rick gives Morty a moment to adjust, then takes a step back* You won't see me again.

 

 **Morty:**  

*stands, looking somewhat at a loss for words (like usual)*

 

 **Morty:**  

Rick... I hope you find.... something. Happiness, maybe. Or..or... closure. Or relief from your pain. I.. I really do.

 

 **Morty:**  

Goodbye.

 

 **Rick Sanchez:**  

*He just shakes his head and opens up another portal* Whatever.

 

****  
  
  



End file.
